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The storyteller believes that while women and allies walk the streets and carry on about gendered violence, there is a much larger secret club in which men have a quiet agreement that “bitches probably deserve it, right?” These men will keep these views somewhat hidden in front of the chicks, but when they get a chance to speak freely, phew, no more having to bullshit.
Whether there is a masculine inadequacy behind the storyteller’s words, what is crucial is his belief that his way of thinking is not unusual. He trusts that speaking in this way won’t create a stir with other men because most real men think this way, too. We’ve got a culture that feels impotent to the power that these storytellers wield to create this secret narrative of women.
So, what do the “good” men do? Who wants to create tension in a group of people who only know each other for the work they are temporarily doing together? And would anything change the storyteller’s perception anyway? What would the point be?
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I found myself in a similar situation as a teenager when I had just started a job in a city cafe. A co-worker sidled up to me and told me a racist joke that related to some of our customers. She assumed because I was white that I likely shared her view. It was awkward, but I knew I had to say something. I told her I didn’t want to hear her say anything like it again. Not a perfect conversation by any stretch, but we had progressed far enough at that point to feel confident to call racism what it was. I wasn’t going to participate by being a place she could deposit these ideas.
Who knows what happened to her, but what I do know is that in the 30 years since that moment, we have become much better at speaking about racism in our communities because we are now more alert to what it looks like and what it sounds like. We’re at least clear now that it’s not tolerated.
When we can speak about the issues we begin to see them differently. We start to understand how a joke can relate to the bigger issues of racism.
This is what prevention groups such as Respect Victoria are asking us to do. In addition to the other measures that need to be taken to eradicate gendered violence, we need to know how to have the conversation if, and when, it comes up.
The “good” men don’t have to carry the big rock of responsibility for gendered violence on their shoulders alone, but could take this moment as an opportunity to reflect on the unique position men have with each other, and to be ready to know what they might do or say, so that the assumption from some men that all men condone gendered violence, is challenged at its heart.
Safe Steps 1800 015 188. National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732).
Jacinta Parsons is a Melbourne writer and co-host of The Friday Revue on ABC Radio Melbourne.
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