The only life coaches I’d hire are too busy, or long dead

I’ve never considered hiring a life coachbut if I did, they wouldn’t be hard to find. It seems you can’t swing a cat without hitting one these days. They’re everywhere, jacked up on positivity and self-love, pimping out their programs. Friends and acquaintances pop out of the woodwork to ask if I’m realising my dreams or want to be part of an “inspiring program” before they even type the words “life coach”.

There’s something evangelical about it, which I have the radar for after being raised in the megachurch. You can sniff a preacher a mile off.

While I’m sure there are many who can help you to a) purge “toxic” relationships (see also, “emotional labour”) or b) create a purposefully action-oriented mindset (such as flossing your teeth more often) or c) understand why you think that swinging cats was ever an appropriate pastime. It’s become apparent in recent times that the life-coaching industry is an unregulated minefield of people coming up with creative names but who basically do the same thing with questionable results.

There are “empowerment coaches”, “success coaches”, “mindset coaches” and the incredibly optimistic “life-transformation specialists”, among others, which begs the question: If you need to give it a jazzy name, is it really useful? If I have a problem with my tooth, I don’t want an “incisor whisperer” or a “mouth strategist”; I want a dentist.

If I did suddenly decide to activate my potential (which I try to keep dormant so I don’t wreck it), of all the people I would actually want to be my life coach, most are too busy or too deceased. Let’s take Baz Luhrmann, a brilliant director with a high creative output. I would love for him to mentor me in the art of “coming up with new ideas”, but you know what? He’s too busy coming up with the next Oscar-winning film.

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Or how about a bit of Julia “I will not be lectured on sexism and misogyny by this man” Gillard badassery? She might coach me on “how to slay in a room full of men”, but, oh, she’s busy slaying. Or a Carl Barron masterclass in “learning to find humour in everything”, but have you seen his tour schedule!? He’s more likely to “help you stay sane on never-ending tours to regional locations” if he wasn’t constantly on never-ending tours to regional locations.

Then there’s Jane Austen, who I’d love to sit down with, have a good old cuppa, and be coached in the fine art of creating subversive feminist literature while being hemmed into the roles of wife and mother. Although she has long gone to join the choir invisible, if she were here, I’d imagine she’d be too busy pumping out subversive feminist literature (with the occasional Mr Darcy-esque dreamboat) while mumming in her activewear.

Maybe it’s the whole “if you can’t do, teach” conundrum. Are there really people out there whose sole gift is to coach others into living out their dreams? Is that actually their dream – to selflessly propel others into their best lives? Or is their best life being a “mindset strategist” with a stack of followers on Instagram and heavily curated selfies with inspirational quotes about self-love?