Gender equality: Not all men are bad

The rules and lore on which many men were raised have been superseded. Male patients tell me of knowing their communication and interactions are outdated, but feeling as if they haven’t been issued with a new rule book.

Dating etiquette has changed; men express concern about consent, worrying about the apparent blurred line between making a move and sexual harassment. For some, there is confusion about pronouns, feeling confronted by the notion of gender fluidity, hesitance to use unisex bathrooms, and bewilderment that the inclusion of transgender and non-binary people in sports could be perceived as anything but a black-and-white issue.

Even men who ascribe to feminist values (the self-appointed “not all men” group) seem challenged in applying in-principle support to meaningful impact. They support change at a macro level, but often don’t want change to come at the expense of their own micro behaviours or standing. Take, for example, the recent focus on working from home, where the argument has routinely been made that women are the most disadvantaged by the push to return to the office because they will lose flexibility for things like doing laundry or preparing dinner between work tasks, or being able to do school drop-offs and pick-ups. The inherent assumption here is clear (a woman’s place remains in the home) because we don’t see the same argument applied to men.

In a social setting, wearing my Hillary Clinton T-shirt and carrying a tote bag emblazoned with a Ruth Bader Ginsburg quote, I would likely dismiss men with views disparate to my own. But in my professional capacity, I often need to sit with and understand incongruent views that are sometimes innocuous (different hobbies, opposing sport teams), but other times more significant (divergent views about gender roles). For many men, I see resistance informed not by sexism or misogyny, but by feeling confused or confounded. Of course, some men (and women) are sexist and misogynistic. But for the most part, I see men largely supportive of gender equity.

Traditional gender stereotypes – breadwinner husband, caring matriarch, men mowing lawns, women preparing dinner – are changing. For some men, the idea of these roles being abolished is terrifying; they feel marooned in a no-man’s land. After all, there is comfort in the familiar, even if dysfunctional or maladaptive. Old habits die hard.

While it’s tempting to dismiss these views as archaic or ignorant, it gets us nowhere. When I struggle to relate to some men’s views on gender, I try to draw empathy from experiences in which I have found myself feeling bewildered, such as travel: bartering at a Cairo souq, tipping washroom attendants in the United States, being served cuy (guinea pig) in Peru.

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This is not an advocation for “mansplaining”. I’ve had a gutful of being patronised by men assuming the need to explain concepts based on my gender. (Pity the bookseller who regaled me with his amateur criticism of Freud’s theories, only to belatedly ask my profession.)

But there can be benefits in trying to relate to another person’s experience. Women may be surprised to hear men’s perspectives and experiences, and men may learn that the wants of women extend beyond working from home and having doors held open for them.

Dr Bianca Denny is a practising clinical psychologist based in Melbourne.