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And oh, the joy of not having to stay dehydrated all day to avoid a long loo queue at the theatre later. Plus, at the post-show dinner, people would listen to my opinions with respect. And, after mansplaining, on the way home, I would then take up two seats on the train with my man-spreading.
If I got a chest pain, it’d be taken seriously. And best of all, I would no longer have to be nice. As a female, I’m such a people pleaser… and if you don’t like that, I can change! But as a guy, I wouldn’t have to apologise for anything. I could just pretty much do what the hell I want. Imagine being able to stroll past building sites and not get cat-called. Or walk the streets at night without fear of being attacked.
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Plus, if I’m passed over for promotion due to my general ineptitude, I can simply blame women. After a brief phase of domination – roughly all of recorded history up to about now – I can still go online to whinge about how men are being demonised and discriminated against. I may even throw in a complaint about how my female co-workers just slept their way to the top. (A curious accusation as there are so few of us up there.)
Of course, younger men, for the most part, are much more supportive of female equality. The only way feminism could go more mainstream is if it was liquidised and turned into a frappuccino. Real change for women is finally happening. But ageist sexism is still rife. Unless you’re a female who spends all her time lip-synching into a hairbrush to Taylor Swift songs on TikTok, society deems we’ve passed our amuse-by dates.
A few wrinkles ensure women are put out to career pasture. In my new novel, The Revenge Clubfour women take retribution on the men who have sacked them for the crime of being “menopausal”. The best thing about revenge is that it’s sweet, but totally non-fattening; which may be why women are drawn to it.
But even if you don’t get the chance to punish the patriarchy, there are still a few undeniably positive things about being female. First off, we live longer than men. (Although some may think that’s just so typical of blokes, leaving all the cleaning up to a woman!) Not to forget the irrefutable advantage of multiple orgasms. (And it’s Oh, Oh, OH!! What a feeling!) Plus we can relish the deep, nourishing joy of female friendship, allowing us to have a good cackle at all of the above. Our motto? Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you get salt in your champers. So here’s cheers, girls!
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