What happens to your relationship when one of you stops drinking?

How easy is it to create a new habit?

“It was rocky at first because our ritual of connection was always having a drink together. When you’re a busy couple with kids you’re often going in different directions and it’s easy to lose the habit of checking in with each other,” says Rusbatch. Creating new habits outside drinking meant finding new ways for her and her husband to spend time together, even if it was just walking their dog around the block.

Rusbatch now specialises in helping women quit grey area drinking, that twilight zone of alcohol consumption that lies between dependence and the occasional drink at the other. This includes helping women navigate changes in their relationships.

Beyond finding new things to do together, she says couples may also need to come up with new house rules. If it’s better for one person, can alcohol be stored in a separate fridge, for instance? When you socialise together, have a plan for leaving early if you don’t want to watch everyone else drink until 2am. Make it clear you’ll leave earlier, but it’s fine for your partner to kick on.

But what about sober sex?

When Rusbach asked women taking part in one of her alcohol-free challenges when they’d last had sex without alcohol, most couldn’t remember.

“But I also get emails from women who say sex is so much better when they’re not numbing themselves with alcohol,” she says.

If alcohol is your go-to prelude to sex, how do you get in the mood without it?

“Spend time on foreplay that doesn’t have to be sexual. Connecting, holding hands, hugs and time spent together all count as foreplay that can nurture a sense of intimacy,” says Rusbatch, pointing out that good sex starts with how you communicate outside the bedroom.

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“Showing interest, feeling appreciated and important in your partner’s world are the most effective ways to improve your sex life. It’s hard to have incredible sex when you don’t feel seen, understood or loved. Prioritising time for sex matters as well. Can you set aside time for date nights or a trip away?”

Should you try to make your partner stop drinking too?

While convincing your other half to give up alcohol could seem like a solution to many issues, Rusbach insists it’s not necessary,

“No, not unless the drinking is having a very negative effect on the family. You can ask if they’d like to stop but if the answer’s ‘no,’ you don’t have the right to keep on at them. It’s better to lead by example,” says Rusbatch whose partner eventually stopped drinking last year.

“He saw how I had more energy and was sleeping better; it was a better approach than for me saying, ‘you’ve got to stop drinking’.”

Beyond Booze (Murdoch Books) by Sarah Rusbatch is out now.

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