Should I have married my husband? Red flag culture would say no

On our first date, he tragically underplayed his ambition – he told me he lived at home and was plodding along through a carpentry apprenticeship. A bit of a red flag? Actually, no. He had saved up almost enough to buy an apartment and already had plans in the works to start a now thriving building company of his own. His allergy to arrogance and reluctance to brag is still one of the things I admire most about him.

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Here’s the thing: red flag culture is arguably born out of an important and age-old practice of whisper networks used by vulnerable populations. We rely on the evolution of shorthand for communicating important things, and honestly, at a time when Australian women are being killed at a rate higher than one per weekwe desperately need some kind of warning system. But we need one that’s fit for purpose, not one that will encourage us to ghost a Hinge date after they refuse to share their Instagram password.

It’s important to be able to spot signs that a dude’s a bit dodgy, and yes, there are toxic people and narcissists out there. But when we go about applying these terms as liberally as Gen-Zers use the word “slay” (on the train yesterday, I counted six distinct slays in one run-on sentence), they lose all true meaning.

The truth is, when people show you who they are, you should pay attention. But you can’t do that if you’re too distracted by deciding whether his decision not to foot the dinner bill is feminist or just cheap.

As for my marriage, well, it’s probably the only thing I’m positive I’ve done right in my silly little life to date. Not least because it resulted in the birth of an incredible kid and an even more incredible Dad.

I don’t want to over-sell the guy; he still has an utterly appalling grasp on grammar, and he sometimes says “contempt” when he means “content”. But I kind of love that he asks to run important email drafts past me before sending them to his clients. I don’t want my single girlfriends to be told it’s not okay to be with a whole person, replete with flaws and flags coloured red, green and beige.

When I told my husband I was writing an article about why I probably shouldn’t have married him, he simply said, “Hah, cool.” Grammar aside, the man’s a walking green flag.

Hannah Vanderheide is a freelance health writer and actor based in Victoria.