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In relationships, a grid post of a new girlfriend or boyfriend can be a declaration to the world that you are claiming this person in a serious way. If a relationship ends, it is common for some to quietly remove photos of their former partner, perhaps to signal to followers and new suitors that they are single, or because the heartbreak made it too painful or embarrassing to face the posts. Or they leave the posts up because those moments were a part of their life’s history and therefore should be remembered.
To save face, some people have a third approach: not posting the person they are dating at all until the couple are engaged.
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Ashley C Ford, an author and editor, started her Instagram page around 2011. Her husband, whom she has been with on and off for more than a decade, appears early on her profile, and even during periods when they weren’t involved. She’s in favour of leaving the posts up after breaking up.
“Even though we haven’t been together that entire time, there are other people who appear in photos who I was involved with when he and I were not together,” she says. “It’s this record of people who I’ve known, people I’ve loved, experiences I’ve had.”
Ford, who wrote the memoir Somebody’s Daughtersays that she understands why some people rushed to remove evidence of their past relationships from public view, or why others say they wouldn’t post a significant other until they were engaged or on their honeymoon. But she doesn’t think it should be done out of shame.
“The embarrassment that you put in effort and it didn’t work out is so wild to me because that is literally the function of life,” she says. “You are going to try a lot of things, you are going to do a lot of things that are not going to work out. And 90 per cent of the time, the reasons why it didn’t work out are completely out of your control.”
Indeed, you can’t control if someone lies to you, cheats on you or falls short on promises. Regardless of what stage you and the other person are in, whether you’re just beginning to date or in an exclusive relationship, “a ring won’t save you from that disappointment,” Ford says.
“I don’t want women to feel like the fact that you chose to love, that you were vulnerable, that you opened yourself up to someone and that you allowed them the opportunity to show up for you with as much love and with as much care and with as much commitment, and they failed?” she said. “That should never be your shame.”
The New York Times
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