NVM the LOLs, IMHO fully-formed words slay

If you use cutesy words such as nom (i.e. “I had a cupcake for breakfast. Nom!” ), laughing emojis and acronyms such as LOL, you are going to hate this column.

I’ve wanted to write this for ages, but never did because I’d offend so many family members, friends, and professional acquaintances. Plus, quite frankly, I was hoping common sense would kick in at some point, killing off the use of symbols and baby talk to communicate. But evolution doesn’t work fast enough, and enough is enough.

Then again, there’s nothing new about self-indulgent writing. A century ago, F. Scott Fitzgerald said using exclamation points was like laughing at your own jokes – and you can only imagine what he’d think of the laughing emoji. Or LOL.

Like a comedian insisting on a drum roll after every punchline, we no longer quest for subtlety or thought. We just make bad jokes and then start laughing at them afterwards.

Then, when LOL lost its shine, some bright spark came up with ROFL (roll on the floor laughing). If you ever wonder whether to write something, always think: would I actually say or do this out loud? If, after making a joke in person, you’d actually throw yourself onto the ground and roll around while laughing, then go for it. If not … I suggest holding back on the ROFL.

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My issue isn’t just with how cringeworthy this is – it’s with how unnecessary. You see, when it comes to communication, less is often more. For example, if you’ve just had a great meal at the legendary French restaurant Chez Kaufman – and if you insist on sharing this thrilling news with everyone on your social networks – then don’t add insult to injury by adding “Nom nom!” to the post. You’re at a great restaurant. The nom nom is implied.

Quite frankly, you don’t need to add an emoji to anything you write. If something’s funny, people will laugh without your ROFL at the end. If something’s tender, you don’t need to add a heart emoji. And if you’re over the age of 16, you should never, ever send an animated GIF.

The only true argument for acronyms and emojis is they allow us to express ourselves in a more concise way. If you’ve read something and like it, sending a heart or a thumbs up sign has its place. Yet if we take it much further, these emojis become signs of devolution. Forget Darwinism: if our communication is any guide, we’re moving backwards, not forwards. Rather than using words, we’re now virtually grunting.