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A fear of history repeating
Professor Paul Rhodes, of the School of Psychology at the University of Sydney advises that worrying about making the wrong choice can be the result of some previous experiences that prevent us moving forward.
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“Some of that fear of criticism [may come] from your history. Certain experiences you may have had, certain thoughts you had about yourself, where you’ve been criticised and not been encouraged, or bullied or ignored, those things come into play as obstacles to growth,” he says.
When you start doubting yourself and your decision, it can help to try to dig a bit further, Rhodes suggests, and work out where this doubt is coming from.
Does the fact that I – a nerdy, gay dude – wasn’t exactly the most popular at high school mean that I second-guess making any social plans to this day?
Could my commitment to being a goody two-shoes when young be linked to my refusing to let the bartender know about the extremely flat glass of sparkling I received at a bar last week, even though I knew it was a totally acceptable thing to do? Perhaps.
Confidence level zero
A lack of confidence can be the root cause when second-guessing a decision. We may want to dye our hair pink, but after making the hairstylist appointment, convince ourselves we’re not the sort of person that can pull it off. It’s a self-defeating act of forbidding ourselves some happiness.
“[Those with] something unique to offer, who are different from the crowd, may not like it, so they try to be normative,” Rhodes explains. “And they can end up with a mental health problem because they won’t embrace their difference, their uniqueness. It’s often the people who dye their hair pink who are saner than the people who follow the crowd.”
How to tackle the great (internal) debate
If you’re tired of the back-and-forth brain processes in your mind, one of the first things to do is cut yourself some slack – don’t make it into one more thing to worry about.
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“It’s a normal, existential part of being human,” says Rhodes. Instead, bring some curiosity – rather than criticism – as to why you go down this path after making a particular choice.
Raab agrees, suggesting people consider what their values in life are when making a choice. “If you can think about those in relation to an individual decision, that can really help anchor it to things that sit more with an idea of authentic self.”
Raab is a big fan of getting the thoughts out of your head in some way, such as on a good old pros and cons list, or by talking it through to stop the endless cycle of thoughts in your head. “If you start to actually verbalise to someone else, it becomes clearer; you get more of a sense of clarity because it’s contained.”
A bit of self-analysis can pay off, Raab says, such as acknowledging that you have a tendency to doubt yourself, and realising that each time you’ve had such fears, your choice has still worked out.
Rhodes says: “You want to stride towards having a faith in yourself and a faith in your ability to grow.”
It’s food for thought. I’ve started chatting with, instead of debating, my inner voice, and it already feels more productive. Next time, I will have the chicken burger.
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