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Why do I feel ashamed?
In 2019, Sylvia Chou, an accountant based in Sydney, also fell victim to an investment scam. Within three months, she lost $2.6 million to a fake endorsement fund for the popular television show Shark Tank.
“The first thing that comes to your mind is, ‘How could I be so stupid?’ ” Chou says. “I’m an accountant, so I always work with numbers, yet I fell into an investment scam. It damages your reputation. It has taken me a really long time to come back from that.”
Sylvia Chou believes being scammed damaged her personal and professional reputation.Credit: Rhett Wyman
Dan Auerbach, chief executive of Associated Counsellors & Psychologists Sydney, says responses like Chou’s are common because it often feels like a personal failing rather than a crime inflicted on them.
“People can internalise the incident, believing that they should have seen the warning signs or been more cautious. This self-blame is compounded by societal expectations of vigilance and intelligence, leading individuals to feel they have somehow fallen short,” he says.
Chou has experienced this stigma first-hand, with some blaming or criticising her rather than the scammer. “On Facebook, strangers would write things like, ‘I’m glad my accountant is smarter,’ and ‘I’m glad you’re not my financial planner.’ Every comment was sharp and brutal,” she says.
Meanwhile, my parents say responses from bank representatives exacerbated their feelings of embarrassment. “The banks blamed us even though it’s their duty of care to keep our money safe. That enhances the feelings of shame and guilt we already felt.”
“People can internalise the incident, believing that they should have seen the warning signs or been more cautious.”
Dan Auerbach, chief executive of Associated Counsellors & Psychologists Sydney
This kind of “victim blaming” can cause some to avoid speaking about their experience altogether, which in turn makes it harder for others to realise how common it is to fall victim to scams, says Brad Ridout, the manager of cyberpsychology at IDCare.
“Many people think of scam victims as naive or gullible … But the truth is no one is immune to scams, and thinking that you are immune is likely to put you at increased risk of falling for one,” Ridout says.
“A scam usually says more about the skill of the scammer than it does about any perceived weakness in the victim,” Ridout adds. “Scammers use emotional manipulation techniques to exploit cognitive biases that we all have and are using increasingly sophisticated technology to deceive and persuade us.”
How can I overcome these feelings?
Andrew Campbell, associate professor of cyberpsychology at the University of Sydney, says victims should avoid blaming their intelligence, and instead focus on how they can help prevent this from happening to themselves and others.
“Letting your family, friends and colleagues know you’ve experienced a scam should be the first step in coping with the event,” Campbell says. “They’re likely not going to judge you because once they hear your story, chances are they’ll be focused on your wellbeing and how to support you moving forward.”
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Deputy chair of the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission Catriona Lowe says reporting scams to authorities (including the police, banks and the consumer watchdog) can also help people come to terms with the ordeal, as experts within the field reiterate how sophisticated scams have become, and how many others are dealing with similar situations.
“Scammers like to use a technique called divide and conquer, where they isolate people from their support networks and work on those feelings of shame and guilt. But reporting it will show you that you’re not alone,” Lowe says.
Finally, healthcare professionals, as well as services such as Beyond Blue or Lifeline, are available for those struggling emotionally.
Ridout says IDCare is also in the midst of launching a new cyberpsychology service that will connect emotionally affected scam victims to local mental health specialists.
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How family and friends can help
When Kaelia Skeates, a 33-year-old from Adelaide, lost $2000 to a gift card scam two years ago, her initial concern wasn’t the money she lost, but what others would think of her.
“I had some initial apprehension in telling my friends and family. I feared things like victim blaming, like if they asked me how I let myself be scammed … I would find myself justifying everything I did.”
Luckily for Skeates, she was ultimately met with support, but not everyone is as fortunate. Chou, for instance, fell out with her children following the scam.
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Auerbach says it’s imperative for family and friends of scam victims to create safe, non-judgmental spaces, and allow the victim to lead discussions.
“Acknowledge the victim’s emotions and validate their experience,” Auerbach says. “The victim might ask you whether what they did was foolish or reckless. At these times, it’s critical not to reinforce the shame. Rather than assessing their behaviour, it’s better to stay with the person’s experience and to acknowledge how devastating and disempowering it is for the person.”
Skeates also suggests considering the tone of the conversation, which should be gentle and open. Though it’s common for loved ones to lean on phrases like “so many people are scammed now”, Skeates says this could minimise their experience.
“It can sound like your scam isn’t important because everyone’s getting scammed,” she says. “Find that balance between normalising language and messages like, ‘Scams are so sophisticated these days. It doesn’t matter what demographic you are, anyone can be scammed.’ ”
If you or anyone you know needs support, call Lifeline on 131 114 or Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636.
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