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Focusing too much on the slight can cause us to overgeneralise and assume that everyone will hurt us. This thought trap can prevent us from taking social risks, trusting new people or deepening existing friendships. Grudges can make us feel stuck and sometimes even helpless.
One way to set the grudge free is to ask yourself: “How is my grudge helping me?” and “How is it hurting me?”
Your answers can help you decide what to do next. For example, if your grudge is making you anxious or depressed, you could decide to talk with a trusted friend or therapist.
Move your body
Movement such as aerobic exercise can lift a grudge, research suggests. Exercise helps regulate upsetting emotions, which may allow us to release the hurt and anger that often fuels ill will, according to the study.
If your grudge feels like a gremlin you just can’t shake, try walking or doing some gentle yoga.
Even better, try to identify how you’re feeling before you exercise and note what’s different afterwards. Calling out these changes underscores that emotions (and even grudges) are temporary, which can feel relieving and empowering.
Replace ‘grievance narratives’ with forgiveness
Holding a grudge can lead to what Fred Luskin, a forgiveness researcher at Stanford University, calls a “grievance narrative”. It’s a story we tell ourselves repeatedly about the person who hurt us.
Years ago, I counselled a young man whose brother had died of a terminal illness. He blamed his parents for his brother’s death. “If they had taken him to the doctor sooner, he’d still be here,” he would say. This story, however, didn’t make his suffering disappear.
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According to research, grievance narratives put the body in a state of threat, which releases the stress hormone cortisol and can impede the healing process.
One cure for grievance narratives is practicing forgiveness. Contrary to what many of us believe, forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting the hurt, nor is it for the other person. It’s a learned skill that can help us move through our feelings, which can be freeing.
Begin by identifying your grievance narrative and use calming breaths such as box breathing to soothe the body.
Redirecting your hurt into positive actions can also help. You can volunteer for a worthy cause or help someone going through a similar struggle.
According to Luskin’s research, such actions can inch us closer to forgiveness.
Look for glimmers
When grudges simmer, it’s easier to get triggered. For example, you may become enraged when someone cuts you off in traffic, or you may snap at your child for making a mistake. And when these negative emotions swell, accessing positive feelings can be more challenging.
One way to tame triggers is to look for glimmers. This term, coined by psychotherapist Deb Dana, describes any cue that elicits feelings of safety, ease and connection. Think of it as a “joy snack” or a mood boost.
Witnessing a beautiful sunset, listening to soothing music or petting a puppy are a few examples.
Unlike triggers, which jar the nervous system, glimmers activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps the body relax.
To identify glimmers, try keeping a “glimmer journal”. Each day, see if you can identify three to five cues that spark positive emotions. It could be something you notice during the day, such as the sound of laughter or a beautiful garden. Or it could be a memory from the past.
Here’s one exercise you can try
Imagine the last time someone made you feel cared for or you felt moved by something you saw. Take a moment to jot down this memory. As you recall your glimmer, notice what emotions arise. Try to soak up this feeling of peace, calm or positivity.
While grudges may be part of life, they don’t have to get the best of us. Exercise, forgiveness and searching for glimmers can help release resentment, which benefits our physical and mental health for years to come.
Washington Post
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