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“Does a woman really need any more holes in her body than are strictly necessary?” I replied.
The answer is yes, apparently, because piercings are the new tattoo, the new vajazzle, the new all-over spray tan.
Intrigued, the next weekend I gathered with a group of mums in a suburban living room to pore over trays of trinkets and baubles. Chantelle, the jeweller, wanted to know which bit of my body I was going to pierce – “nose, nipples, navel, tongue, lips, eyebrow, septum, clitoris…” Yep, for the truly adventurous that is also an option. Surely childbirth was enough pain for that part of my anatomy?
The same with nipple piercing. You’re looking at a woman who had mastitis. Twice. A helpful midwife suggested I wear cabbage leaves in my bra to reduce the swelling. My inflamed breasts were so hot the cabbage cooked, which has to be the ultimate in maternal multitasking: I may be busy breastfeeding, but dinner is served!
A whiff of hydrogen peroxide suddenly flashed me back to my teenage ear-piercing ordeal. One of my surfie girlfriends numbed my earlobe with ice before another skewered it with a sewing needle. The ensuing infection took months to heal. My only perfume? Eau de disinfectant. Needless to say, I did not feel an urgent need for any more “holesome” fun.
My pal, meanwhile, had made her jewellery selections; six studs for her upper ears. As she offered her cartilage to the needle, I asked why she was turning herself into a human colander.
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She explained that a big part of the attraction for middle-aged women is that it stops you feeling invisible. “In fact, piercings make men think you’re subversive, and therefore more interesting.”
But surely, I rationalised, give a bloke the impression that you’re wild and untamed and you have to keep up the act. And who wants to swing naked from the Hills Hoist, yodelling while covered in custard, at our age?
I watched as another middle-aged mum got a nose ring, ear-stud and eyebrow bar. Would that really get her noticed? Yes, by metal detectors. The only thing attracted to that face would be a magnet.
Not keen to spend my life being strip-searched at airports, I politely declined. Yes, I want to push boundaries. Yes, I want to stay visible. Yes, I want to keep my edge. Yes, I want to look rebellious, dangerous, interesting, subversive… But, well, what would my 92-year-old mum say? I’d probably be grounded!
Besides, surely the best way to stay relevant and attractive is a piercing wit. Oh, and a dirty mind – which definitely doesn’t require a daily dose of disinfectant.
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